I take you with me into the new year

I remember the first New Year’s Eve after our daughter’s death. I didn’t want the calendar year to change because that meant I was starting a new year without her. I didn’t want to have new adventures, memories, stories that I couldn’t share with her and it wasn’t the way it was meant to be! That first year I sat and wondered about the ‘what ifs’  and ‘if onlys’ for the coming year.

This is the third NYE that I will move into a new year knowing that she is not on speed dial, not down the street, not physically in my life. I read Psalm 139 through again today. The psalmist tells us in verse 16, “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.” NASV

Some people read those words and wrestle with whether God chooses how and when we will die. Does He foreordain or simply foreknow? Others believe God really doesn’t know the future at all; they believe He wonders about the future along with us. For me, there is no comfort or peace in any of those questions.

When I read this passage, I hear that God gave her to us for 29 years and leaving this world simply meant entering His presence for eternity. God wasn’t surprised when she arrived, like we might be by unexpected guests. He wasn’t tidying  up and making sure the bed sheets were clean. Jesus told his disciples in the upper room, “I go to prepare a place for you,” and I am sure that on the day she entered Heaven, that place was ready. She was welcomed home.

I am not afraid of leaving her behind anymore. She isn’t gone, she isn’t lost, she isn’t dead. She lives in the place that Jesus prepared for her and she showed up at the exact time that was set for her… which is something she never did in her 29 years on this side of eternity!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How can I dance this Christmas?

It’s the holidays and everyone’s days are merry and bright…aren’t they? 

Even Frosty puts on a magical hat and dances around.  Everyone seems to be rocking around the Christmas tree yet maybe you sit in silence. Others are frolicking in their Holiday garb while you wear your mourning clothes. Sackcloth and ashes don’t lend themselves to merry making! For those of us who have lost a loved one, Christmas can be a difficult season.

Two years ago our daughter was in a fatal car accident. That Christmas, the memories were so painful that we decided to use a friend’s cabin in the mountains to get away. Many of our extended family joined us and as I looked around the room, my heart felt like dancing but I didn’t. Last year we spent Christmas with family in another state. Bethany always made her famous artichoke dip for Christmas Eve so last year her siblings had a cook-off to see who could create the best version of her recipe. While tasting and laughing, my heart did a little jig.  This year we will go to my brother’s, sit with my elderly parents and overlook the ocean. She always said that each year she needed time by the sea to re-calibrate her heart. I’ll do that and listen to the rhythm. I wonder what dance my heart will do this year? I doubt it will be a salsa, or line dance and probably not hip-hop. But this I know, the Psalmist promises us in Chapter 30, “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy”.

I have started this blog so that I can explore the ways God moves me from mourning to dancing. You may want to join me in this adventure. I have learned a few dance steps in the last two and a half years and will keep learning new moves until the day I rest in the arms of Christ. Here is one dance tip: the Hebrew word for ‘joyful dancing’ is machowl. This is a round dance done with others, not a solemn or solitary one. So this holiday, find people who knew and loved your family member and ask them to ‘remember’ with you. You may just find your heart re-calibrating. Listen to the rhythm and even if your body won’t cooperate, let your heart start to dance.