Thanks, Walmart for the tire and tutu.

Thanks, Walmart!

Yesterday I was shopping at Walmart for some ballet accessories for my granddaughter’s dance class. As I lifted a pink tutu off of the rack and began to imagine her spinning around with delight, my mind went back to her mother’s dance classes when she was the same age. I remembered how she wore her tutu just below her plump little belly and the serious look on her face as she counted every step. I was lost in my memories when I thought I heard my daughter’s name over the loud speaker. Maybe it was my imagination. No, there it was again. “____, come to auto repair to pick up your tire, paging ____”.  My heart started pounding because my daughter had been in a fatal car accident three years ago.Why were they calling her name?

I had forgotten that on my way into the store I dropped off a flat tire and had given them my phone number for their records.  The man behind the desk said, “OK you are in our computer and we will page you when it is finished”.  Apparently several years ago we brought her car in for work and we gave them my number as a contact.  I put the tutu in my basket and headed for the tire center. As I walked, a strange feeling rose up… I was grateful to hear her name. Her father and I spent months picking out that name and for 29 years we spoke that name countless times. Even after friends and family used a different nick name for her, we always called her by the name we felt God gave us.

I get a similar feeling when I come across her name on a piece of mail, or find an item that was hers tucked away in a drawer or see pictures of her. All of these things remind me she was, she is, she always will be. Each of them stir my heart but hearing her name, now that is priceless.

I often wonder why people don’t use her name more. If you have ever questioned whether it is right to bring up my daughter’s name in conversation, let me share a few thoughts:

1. Yes, yes and yes!
2. I don’t expect you to speak in hushed tones or even elevate her to sainthood. It is just nice to hear her name especially if she has been part of your life too.
3. You may be thinking that I might cry if you bring her up in conversation and jog my memory. Let me assure you that I’m already thinking about her. I might cry, I usually don’t but crying or laughing is a good response to thoughts of people that we love.
4. In these last few years, I have rehearsed all of my memories over and over so if you have one that I wasn’t privy to, I would love to hear it. After time, memories can become one dimensional like a photograph. When you share a new story with me, it is as if she is lifted off a page and begins to move and breathe. Just recently I went to a hair stylist who was a friend of Bethany’s and she shared stories that I had never heard. Our conversation that day was a holy experience and both of us had the same sense she was somehow a part of our time together.
5. Don’t feel that you have to talk about her every time you see me. I lead a full life and have great joy. But when her name comes naturally into a conversation, it is sweet.

I’m sharing this to assure you that bringing up her name or laughing together about a memory is healing not harmful. Experiencing her death has deeply changed me. Separation is not as complete or final as I previously believed. For those of us who live in the assurance that there is an eternity in Heaven, this time on earth is but the blink of an eye. Relationships, especially those that are family, are forever. I have no doubt that she is alive and with Christ so why would I stop talking about her? If I were to guess… she probably has a pink tutu too.

God’s presence is in the midst of the memory.

So when we talk, feel free to talk about her. If not, I may be forced to go to Walmart with another flat tire!

Maybe someone else you know

needs to hear a story about their loved one.

Remember to speak their name!